who cares what I think

I could no longer remember any of my dreams and it irritated me. I learned to lucid dream years ago so I could control myself in my dream world. It seemed like the only thing that I had any control over in my life, but alas it was quickly added to the growing list of things that I could no longer control.
Life is automatic. Everyday the only thing I have to do is pry myself out of bed and on to my feet to make coffee and after that my auto pilot switches on and it’s smooth sailing. Go to school, go to work, do homework, shower, go to bed, then wake up to live the whole routine over again. It is unbearably mundane and now that my dreams are no longer there to get me through the few and far between moments of my life where my mind can wander, it was even worse. I feel lost. I don’t even feel human. I rolled out of bed like usual and stumbled to the coffee machine to begin my day, if I can even call it mine anymore. All I want is something to escape this.
“Actually made it today eh crack pot?” Neil said as I shuffled into the room. I hate these early morning classes. The classrooms always remind me of high school with all the chairs in nice neat rows. Four years of college still hadn’t erased those wretched memories.
“Blow me queer bait” I replied plopping into my usual seat in the corner by the window just next to him.
“That rough of a night huh? Sucks to be you.” Neil retorted as he turned the seat in front of him so he could put his feet up. He always looks like James Dean when he does that. I loved it.
“You know it would be awesome if you died.” I said behind an evil giggle pushing my hair behind my ears. I pulled out my cell to put it on silent incase someone called, which no one ever did but it was habit.
“I wish. Then I wouldn’t have to listen to you bitch every morning about how terrible your life is. I wish my grass were emo like you so it would cut itself”. He was definitely on the ball with his rebuttals today. I loved that too.
“Your grass is cut for you anyways, Neil.” I laughed, “You live in an apartment.” For anyone who didn’t know us, we sounded like we despised each other and it always surprises them to find out we were engaged.
“So when’s your next day off?” He asked with a smile.
“Today, Thank God. I’m going home after class and sleeping all afternoon. It’s going to be awesome”.
“Sounds like it’s going to be gayer than San Francisco on Pride week, but at least it’s Friday”. Neil pulled out his notebook from his backpack and I did the same. “You aren’t even going to hang out with me?” He sounded rather hurt by my choice of activities for the day. “So how long until you start daydreaming today?” he asked opening to the next clean page.
“I can’t remember my dreams anymore,” I hung my head and stared at the top of my desk, “and since I always daydream about my dreams, I don’t think I’ll even get there today. Will you rub my back? It still hurts.” I said looking up.
“Aw baby” he replied sweetly rubbing my back immediately. “So the impossible finally happened? You seriously can’t remember your anything about your dreams.” Neil said lowering his voice towards the end as the professor began his introductory statements to the class.
“Oh, and don’t forget your tests are due next Friday by the end of class and absolutely no late exams will be accepted. Now Thomas Aquinas said that” the professor’s voice trailed off as usual.
“I guess so love. I guess so” I whispered as I began writing notes. Class went according to plan. The professor droned on about proofs for the existence of God while, for the first time, I sat there watching Neil drift in and out of daydreams saving himself
from the torment of a monotone lecture while I had to endure the torture. After class ended Neil and I had to part ways, as usual.
“Good luck with sleeping later” He said putting his aviators, “I’ll call you after class alright? I’ll come sleep with you.”
“I’d like that.” I said as he kissed my forehead and turned to hurry to his next lesson.
“Will do then, just make sure you don’t leave your phone on silent alright? You sleep like the dead.” he yelled while laughing over his shoulder as he walked away.
I walked my path to the shuttle that would take me home. I looked at my phone to check the time. I still had one more class, but I had to break the mold and go home. I was too tired to sit through an hour and ten minutes of symbolic logic and even though I feel guilty whenever I skip a class, it just wasn’t happening. I boarded the shuttle thinking about my miraculously soft bed, but somehow the image isn’t as comforting as usual. Without my ability to dream anymore sleep almost seems more like a chore than a pleasure, but nonetheless, it was necessary. I should have been feeling relieved, but I had that knotting feeling in the pit of my stomach, like when you’re about to plummet the apex of a rollercoaster, or like right before a head on impact car crash. I don’t even remember walking from my stop to my apartment, but somehow I made it into bed. The blue letters on my phone beamed ten thirty as I set it back to ring and finally slipped into sleep.
I slightly opened my eyes and strained to see the numbers on the clock, but they were blurry. I reached above my head to turn the light on but the switch didn’t seem to work. I was dizzy and everything around me was glowing a pale blue grey and aqua.
“Jesus! I didn’t think I was that exhausted” I said aloud. I sounded a little like I was drunk, or at least I sounded like what I think I sound like when I’m drunk. I fell back on my bed and shut my eyes hard. The room was spinning. I pressed my hands so hard against my eyes it began to hurt. Then everything stopped. I slowly removed my hands
from my eyes, but all I saw was my room. My desk to my left, window to my right, but it was open. I never left my window open, not in the winter.
“This is too bizarre” I chuckled, “I have to tell Neil about this.” I reached for my phone cord to pull my phone up on my bed. Like usual I found the cord and began pulling it up. It felt lighter than usual and I quickly found out why. It wasn’t plugged in. I pulled myself over the side of the bed, expecting to see it on the floor but it wasn’t there.
“What the hell is going on!” I whispered as I sifted through the covers for it. I stopped when I heard something outside. It was the sixteen bit rendition of the Imperial Theme from Star Wars.
“That’s my phone!” I jumped out of bed, pulled on the first sweater and pair of pants I found and bolted through the living room and out the front door into the courtyard. My movements ceased to that of a glacier, near frozen. It was not my courtyard, but yet somewhat familiar. It was a vast tundra, but not the type that’s frozen in death, but pulsating with life. Everything was encased in ice and snow yet flora and fauna furnished it all with miraculous beauty, and it wasn’t cold. It was temperate like one of those really nice days in the end of October when a slight breeze still feels good. The trees glistened a deep sea green and silver from their frost covered pine needles. Lakes stood and rivers flowed over the land like aqua silk halting at the base of a massive grey mountain. A blue shone planet rising behind it cast pale blue beams of light onto every east face enhancing its majesty. The scene was monochromatic, that is if the scale were based on blue and grey instead of black and white. The only other color was the bright red from the pomegranate trees that spotted the land
My appendages began to thaw involuntarily engaging me in forward motion once again, yet at a much slower pace. My concrete walkway gave way to a giant stone pathway that looked like slabs of granite seven feet long by four feet wide with a river on either side instead of grass. Every step up the path gave way to a more breath taking scenescape. I wandered enchanted by my surroundings. A quick glance over my shoulder revealed my apartment at a much further distance away than it should have been.
I stood agape, frozen again, but not by the landscape that stood before me, but the creation that I had befallen. Her gown ripped and torn, but elegant in the way it laid upon her hourglass body mirroring the colors of her surroundings but at a much grater glow. Her hair a fountain of gold atop her head surrounded by encrusted diamonds that out shown stars. Skin tinted teal yet shimmering with the purest of white and her eyes, her eyes black as pitch topped with aqua brows that mimicked waves. She stood gazing into her reflection in the water fixing her appearance which did not need it. I stared as she slowly lifted her head to look at me. Her eyes locked mine and it felt as if she was scanning my soul, reading my mind and hearing every glorious word my head could not derive to explain her. I wanted to be her. The phone began to ring again and she looked in disgust upon the object.
So this is what it finally took to get you back?” her voice harmonizing with the sound of the flowing water, almost like singing, but still speaking. She opened my phone and pressed a button silencing the tone. I bet that was Neil calling. I needed to answer it.
“Ugh. Yes, I mean, wait, what?” My brain skipped and my tongue tripped over every word. Is that all I could think to say? Nothing witty nothing charismatic? Just a bunch of jumbled words that, thank god, made sense in some sense of their meaning protruded my lips. Good start I thought, but what was she talking about.
“You’ve been gone a long time. I’ve missed you” she said as she turned and began to walk away from me down the granite path. I jogged to catch up slowing right behind her, my senses finally coming back to me.
“What are you talking about?” I asked, “Do I know you? Have I been here before?” She led me along the river towards a lake. I couldn’t decide what I wanted to look at more, her or the scenery. It was still vaguely familiar but I couldn’t figure out why.
“I guess the question is whether or not you remember. Look around and tell me you have never seen this place before.” the pace of her voice matched the pace of her stride which was so smooth she glided more than she walked. I looked around as I followed her around the lake to the base of a forest of the most massive pine trees I’ve ever seen. Most of them were half bare holding on to their last needles against the weight of icicles. She turned to face me stopping me dead in my tracks. Her eyes shone of the disappointment from my lack to answer her demand.
“You seriously cannot remember?” now the disappointment showed in her voice, “Here,” she said jumping to grab a pomegranate, “you must be hungry.” She finished tossing it to me.
I racked my brain trying to remember. Why did I feel like I had been here? How do I know her? I broke open the fruit and began to pick out the seeds. One by one I popped them into my mouth.
“Well then,” she continued, “I guess I will just have to make you remember, because yes, you have been here, and yes you do know me. Well, not in a  formal sense, but in another.” She turned and continued walking into the forest. I followed graciously trying to imitate her walk.
“Some time ago you used to wander here, but near the mountain on the other side of the lake. I came across you one day just walking and talking through my lands. It has been a season since then. You would sit on the cliffs speaking of questions and perils that you must return to, but to no one you would speak, only to yourself.” I looked around still eating the pomegranate and slowly began to feel some connection to this place, but I could never look away from her long enough to take it all in. “I was at the base of the mountain one day and saw you from below. You didn’t see me. I had never seen a creature like yours before. You were, different than me, mysterious,” I felt myself blush and thanked god that she was not facing me to see. “I was curious so I decided to follow you. I tried to stay hidden, and for the first few times I succeeded. However there was one time,” she trailed off and I suddenly remembered everything.
“There was one time I fell.” I cut her off and dropped the pomegranate. Shocked by my own interruption I froze yet again. She spun on her heels and a smile lit her already breath taking attributes and at that point I knew I had been here, in my dreams.
“The rocks I was standing on gave way. I remember hitting my head and blacking out, but then I felt like I was soaring. I could feel the wind blowing on my face and through my hair.” the thoughts came flushing back to me in a rush. I ran to the edge of the forest that bordered the lake and stared at the majestic mountain. It was my spot, my temple. The place I came in my dreams when I needed to be alone to think. “It was amazing. Then, I just remember being at my front door.”
“So you enjoyed it?” Her voice bellowed sweetly through the trees. She emerged a second later.
“Well, yeah, it’s my dream to fly.” I said holding my arms out like wings.
“Would you like to?” She said tilting her head slightly to the left.
“Ha! I can’t fly, I tried when I was little and it hurt.” I remember that clearly.
“Oh but you can” she laughed and jumped into the air. Gorgeous green wings broke out of the back of her dress and she sunk back down to hover just eye level with me. “You see there is a fine line between reality and what you think is reality. If you can control what you want, then it is reality?” I stared up at her. “Everything that belongs to you, that is yours, you have control over to some extent.” her words were eloquent still flowing like the gentle brooks around us.
“But if I’m here dreaming, then I have to eventually wake up and leave again. This has to end” my voice trailed of as if being bled to death.
“If you want wings, I can give them to you.” She stated it like it was such a simple thing as she sank to the ground, standing again. “Come along, it’s getting late,” she said tossing my phone to me. I flipped it open to check the time it was almost midnight.
“Oh my God! I’m still asleep? Neil must have called a million times by now!” I was shocked. We began to walk faster.
“I spied on you in your reality and you seem to rely on  that thing a lot for whatever it is you do al the time, but I thought if I stole it you might come looking for it.” She kept pace but still her voice was steady as we quickened pace through the forest. “I crept in right after you fell asleep so you would come into my world to find it, but it started making that wretched noise as I was running off.” We quickly reached the end of the forest and stopped at the bottom of the granite walkway.
“Wait,” I asked as we started walking again “you can give me wings?”
“I already have”. She said turning to put her hand on my shoulder. I stopped walking and must have looked confused for she continued. “When you fell, I flew up and caught you and took you home. You had the most pleasant look on your face when I set you down. I whispered a question in your ear,”
“I answered yes.” I suddenly remember it all. “You had asked me if I wanted wings and I said yes. Then there was a cloud of blue and I was in bed again and that’s when my back started to hurt.” She nodded as we continued walking up the path in silence until we reached the top. “So I can stay if I wanted to and fly?” I didn’t believe my own words.
“Yes. However, if you choose to go back your wings will not last. They do not exist in that reality. You will lose them and never return here again. I shared a secret with you and you cannot take it with you. This place will cease to exist to you. You will lose all memory of it as well.” Her voice remained sweet as the words pierced my ear drums. We strolled down the path and I saw my apartment in the distance. I said nothing. “Do you want to?” her emphasis on the first word made me truly contemplate the situation. She stopped half way down and left me to continue the rest of the way alone. I stared at my phone the whole way. Neil had left three messages. I reached my door and turned the handle. I lingered in my doorway waiting for the answer to hit me. My phone beeped with the sound of a voice message. There were three.
“Hello darling. Guess you’re dead asleep,” He was laughing. “Call me back love.” BEEP “Hey babe I hope you’re still not sleeping. I’m kind of getting worried.” He wasn’t laughing anymore, but he was still being sarcastic. BEEP “Babe I’m really worried now. Why won’t you answer? Please call me back as soon as you get this. I love you.”
The last beep brought me back into my reality. His voice had skipped a few times and I could tell he was in a state of panic the thought of flying had completely made me forget that he was supposed to come over. He must have tried to after the second message. I was frozen. I had finally realized he severity of the situation. If I stay, I was dead to Neil. He is the love of my life and I would break his heart if I did, but to fly! I could feel my wings now. I wanted them, badly, but I didn’t want to loose Neil either. I turned to look back up the pathway. Her wings were out again and she floated into the air just a few feet. I looked down at the phone and typed the words,
“I love you and I’m so sorry. You know how much I want to fly. I’ll be in your dreams. Forever yours.”
I set the phone down on the table by the door leaving the face open so Neil would see it. I left the door unlocked so he could get in when he came back. I closed the door behind me and felt my wings rip through my sweater. A gown of red and royal blue draped my body. I looked up to see wings of the same blue and looked up to see her holding a pomegranate, one as red as my dress. She threw it up and I flew into the air, caught it, and we soared off dragging the bottom of our wings on the surface of the lake as I looked back at my door for the last time.